Dec/060
Christmas #3 – Rhys’ Response
Christmas 3#
“The thing about melbourne weather is that if you dont like it, you just have to wait 15 minutes”.
HAHA! i think that is 5 points worth of goodness!
but you are deducted 20 points for mentioning a big fight but refusing us the JUICEY details! ahhhh!!!!
I thought it was funny how most ppl got you money or money in the form of a voucher. haha. PS: i will have the chcolate. send it to me via the imagination train and i’ll pick it up this afternoon and send you a thankyou note with one of my turtle doves. hes a bit slow because of his shell but he was born in arazona, (i got him off ebay), so he’s perfect for flying south. you dont understand? let me explain. Arazona has lots of lead and magnetic deposits in the ground. when turtle doves (very rare and very protected) have eggs they rub then in the dirt so preditors cant smell them. This is also how the fetus survives for the 10 years they live inside the egg, by soaking up the neutriants and minerals in the earth throuhg tiny pours in the shell. now, as i said the ground is filled with lots of magnetic minerals and so poor Poppy (thats the name of my turtle dove) just launches himself into the air and starts being dragged down south throuhg the magnetic suction of his shell. something to do with the south pole, which is where santas evil brother lives!
NOW, one fatefull day i was sending a bucket of raspberrys to my friend samantha who lives in tasmania. she was two nosies so i always send her raspberrys whenever i get the chanse so she pop them up her noise to stop her noise bleeds. it all started one day when we were collecting raspberrys in the jungle of france and a mastradon (very scary, mean, and about 2 centermeters tall) jumped up BOTH her noises at the smae time (dont ask me how) and left little grey hairs inside. Now samantha is deathly allergic to mastradon hairs and her noise started bleeding! we imediantly whent to the noise surgen to extract the noise hairs but he said he couldnt work on two noises at once! we suggested 2 nose doctors work on her (one for each noise) but, as we soon found out, all noise doctors are very rude and have all insulted each others grandmothers. SO, without a single pair of noise surgens who could work side by side we sent out a plee to the world. Finally one lady, who had just given birth to siamease twins, replied with the promise that she would raise her two boys to be noise surgens and in 25 years thanks to Jamacias excellerated learning program, they would be fit to fix samanthas noise bleed! but anyway. in the mean time we had taken to stuffing her noise with raspberrys (the very ones we had been collecitng in the jungle) and have never really considered any other alternative noise stuffer. and that is why my turtle dove (poppy) was flying south with a bucket of raspberrys.
remind me later to tell you the sotry of the siamease twins and the conflicts that arose from their strange, noise surgery oriantated childhoods)
Unfortunatly Samantha had not brought out her giant poppy catching net in time to catch poppy. (you need to get out a net because poppy dosent really have a break system built into her anywhere). now, the reason for this tragic lack of timeing has everything to do with the meadow outside her house and its capacity to attact unicorns. remind me to tell you about them later.
now, poppy wizzed straight past, driven through the air on the current of the magneticness of the south pole. the went straight past tasmaina and headed to the south pole, which i knew all too well was the hiding place of the dreaded evil twin of santa clause. i bought a ticket on the imagination train which cost a thripence and my best tooth (3rd from the right). now, it wasent until years later that i realised that that very tooth had a secret spy mission microchip implanted into it. It was so significant to the future of the world, but more specifically, america, that i was lead on a journey into the domain of the tooth fairy to recover it. but remind me to tell you about that later.
Now, i journeys thoruhg the blizzard world that is the south pole until i reached the south pole. i expected to see poppy fribulating over the south pole, or perhaps impaled upon it, in which case i would go directly to africa where i am on intimate terms with a witch doctor who is quite capable of bringing almost anything back to life with the help of mustard. I tell you about how we because friends on the london train at a later date.
But no, poppy was nowhere to be found. I decided to venture down to the evil cavern that is the lair of santas evil brother. This proved a little difficult as i had decided to grow a thick layer of blubber to protect myself from the harsh temperatures. how? by eating a whole hump back whale of course. fortunatly the south pole is riddled with liposuctionists. they have little wooden stalls picketed everywhere and offer to pump your stomach for free if you will recomend them to a friend. of course i told them i would, although i will tell you now that they had bad breath and a loose woobly peice of skin hanging form their right elbow and i dont trvomrnf thrm at all. I ran into that repulsive liposuctionist later in my life, while eating a doughnut, but thats another story.
Anyway, once i was thin enough to fit into the lair of santas evil twin i ventured forth. i eventually emerged into a large cavern and their i found a little elf called wiggle bottom. He was tied up and hanging by his toes and suspended over a pot of boiling snow. his wimpers filled thw cavern and i had to wade through them to get close to him. of course i offered to rescue him as it was obvious that he was being held captive by santas evil brother but he stiffly refused. Apparently he was sacrificing himself so that his spirit would join the comunal life force of ZAR that floated around the south pole, protecting it form rabies, vegemite and other harmful things. The time would come when i would meet this strange life force ZAR, but thats another story.
Although i didnt know it at the time, while Santa has an army of elves up in the norht pole making toys. Santas evil brother has an army of evil elves down in the south pole being sent out of missions to destroy the toys of innocent children across the globe. when they fail any mission, they sacrifice themselves rahter than face santas evil brother. The smae thing happens in the norht pole if an elf makes a shotty toy, but they lean towards the practise of pokeing their own brains out rather than lowering themselves into boiling snow. Elves are very into the whole “honour” thing and very into pain fetishes.
Its an interesting sotry as to how that elf reached that point of self sacrifice, remind me to tell you later. So i left the elf to its own devices and continued on. Of course i eventually stumbled into santas evil twins master lair, but not until i had grown a long blue beard, which i worn in a turban style on my head. There in the center of santas evil twins lair was Poppy. she was playing twister with santas evil twin! He introduced himself as Harry and invited me to play. although i had seen much evidence of his evil nature already, i was not so convicted that i could resist the temptation of a good game of twister, and so i joined in.
While we sipped hot chocolate afterwards i asked Harry, tentitivly and with a hint of purple in my voice, why he was so evil. He explained that he explained that watching people cry gave him a uforic sensation similar to caffine or sex. i couldnt argue as it seemed he was genetically predispositioned to this twisted lifestyle throuhg no fault of his own. I told him this and low and behold, my sensitivity to his situation brang tears to his eyes, which set him off into spasams. you can achieve a smilar spasam if you perchase harrys special range of orgasmic coffee beans, which he came to develop later in life.
We played twister night and day, until Poppy told me that she had fallen madly in love with Harry and had decided to stay with him. I saw nothing wrong with this, except for for harrys curious tendancy to chew his own toe nails. i confessed this to poppy and she insisted that she would breack him of the habit. I stayd for the wedding which was a happy affair and then set off back to Australia through a series of secret underground tunnels with my own band of evil elves to use as i saw fit.
When i got back i discovered that Samantha had falled down a well and drowned in her own blood. i was a little upset until i realised how much money i had been spending on raspberrys. and then i was rather glad.